Many people have been marvelling over my attitude in this whole cancer thing, and how cheerful I've been throughout the ordeal. I'm so grateful for all your positive feedback; for the fact that my reaction to everything is an encouragement to others. But, at the same time, I don't really feel I'm putting a whole lot of effort into being cheerful or positive or brave; it's just naturally emerged because of some circumstances in my life recently, and the best way I can explain it is to give an analogy.
Imagine you've just found out that you're overdrawn by $1,000 on your chequing account, but at the same time, you find out you've just won $100,000. People keep saying to you, "Oh, no! You're overdrawn by $1,000! How awful!" You respond by saying, "Don't worry about it!! I've just won $100,000!!" They say, "But the overdraft!!" You say, "But the $100,000!!!"
Their focus is on the deficit; your focus is on the windfall. It's all in the perspective.
So what is my $100,000? Glad you asked!
Simply put, over the past few months, I feel as though I have been healed of something far deeper than a physical illness or condition. Wonderful as that would be, to be cured in my body, I have been experiencing an inner healing that I've found much more exciting and encouraging.
From a very young age, I have always struggled with not feeling close to others; often feeling like I was on the outside looking in; constantly battling a sense of loneliness, isolation and friendlessness, while all around me, others seem to have been enjoying lives replete with relationships - sisters, brothers, cousins, friends, more friends, and best friends - while I have sat on the sidelines, looking on . . . an only child; a lonely child, and a lonely adult.
Of course, this image doesn't fit the one most of you have of me . . . anyone who sees me in public sees a very joyful, popular person; the center of attention, with lots of contacts. But we never know the inner lives of others unless, of course, they tell us. We can't assume that what we see externally in a person's life is the actual reality of that person's life - only the individual him or herself can tell us that. We can be fooled by what we see when we look at someone, unconciously or unknowingly drawing conclusions about them that are false.
I don't mean that I intentionally try to deceive others - not at all. When I'm in public, I'm genuinely having a good time, and I know a lot of people, and my skills set affords me the luxury of receiving a lot of positive reinforcement and attention, all of which I am very thankful for. But I find that most people who see this snapshot of my life will then automatically jump to the conclusion that I have many close friends, many deep, intimate, committed relationships, and up until now, anyways, I simply haven't.
I'm not sure why we make assumptions based on external information, but we just do. One psychologist says that our minds tend to "fill in the blanks" when we see someone, and we project onto them what we would like them to be and what we imagine they might be as the total package. A witty public speaker, we imagine, must be just a delight to have around the house, when in fact, that person might be a nightmare to live with at home. A caring nurse, we assume, is also a devoted and tender mother, using her nursing skills at home with her children when, in fact, the opposite may be true. And so on.
But anyways, back to my original point: the cool thing is that even before my diagnosis, God began healing me of this sore, wounded area of my life. I believe it was His divine timing that brought several people from my past back into my life; people with whom I had a history, a connection, that took the sting of loneliness away. With the people I already knew, I began sensing a closer rapport; a sense of intimacy that I had not experienced before, and it was so cool to see that happening!
I have sensed that God Himself has been bringing down walls that I had erected very early on in my life which kept people at a distance; kept them at arm's length. I have sensed Him removing that tendency I have had of pushing people away due to fear of rejection, and these recent results have been so encouraging and real in my life.
So that, along with some really good decisions I've made in the past year that have also catapulted me into a completely new sense of freedom, have all added up to the $100,000 in my life - the windfall that I had begun to experience when I received my diagnosis. Although it's not pleasant receiving serious news about our health, in comparison with what I have felt was happening to me on an emotional level, it was a mere overdraft . . . a measly $1,000. I still feel as though I'm coming out ahead!
Do you have any areas that have haunted you for your entire life? Invisible, hidden wounds that no-one else can see, but you know full well they're there, buried just below the surface of the "public you"? Don't be afraid to bring them to God and allow Him to heal them. It's so freeing to see those dark areas brought out into the light; to see them genuinely healed, and not just camouflaged.
You may know some women who have such beautiful skin that they don't need makeup, while the rest of us have flaws and imperfections we like to cover up with a good foundation and powder. There's nothing wrong with that when we're talking about skin, but for our personalities, why camouflage when you can glow naturally?
Allow God to touch those broken areas and to restore them; to bring them to life. Enjoy His amazing capacity to make things new as you travel on this journey!
Just think . . . you'll never have to focus on overdrafts again. And we'll be able to rejoice with you over your windfall!
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If you don't consider yourself a person of faith, or you aren't familiar with praying, here's an example of something you could say to God:
"God, I don't even know if I have the faith to believe You exist. I can't picture what my life would look like without these hurts I'm carrying...or the camouflage I'm wearing every day. But if You exist, and You care about me, I'm inviting You to come and touch my life in a very real way. I'm inviting You to heal me of these hurts that I can't heal myself. And I invite You to "introduce Yourself" to me...to make Yourself known to me in a way that I can understand. Amen."
He loves you more than You can ever know. Please feel free to email me anytime if you just want to chat about anything you see in these blog postings (or things you don't see, too!)
Be blessed,
Wendy
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