Yesterday, I was talking about shame and its effects on our lives. I found this on the web:
"Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:
alienated, inadequate, helpless, powerless, defenseless, weak, insecure, uncertain, shy, ineffectual, inferior, flawed, exposed, unworthy, hurt, intimidated, defeated, rejected, dumped, rebuffed, stupid, bizarre, odd, peculiar, different
Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile, or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents.
"My disgrace is before me all day long, and my face is covered with shame." Psalm 44:15
Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?," or "You should be ashamed of yourself," etc."
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents.
"My disgrace is before me all day long, and my face is covered with shame." Psalm 44:15
Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?," or "You should be ashamed of yourself," etc."
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It is so sad to think of how many of us walk around living in shame of some sort. Not to say shame does not have a role in our lives - I believe it does. If we are doing something immoral or illegal, or if we are behaving in ways that are socially unacceptable, or selfish, then I think shame is a good way of telling us that we are doing something wrong and need to change our ways. I'm not suggesting we tell ourselves we shouldn't be ashamed if, in fact, we should be. Sometimes our conscience tells us things that are very accurate.
But then again, sometimes our conscience has been affected in such a way that it will lie to us. We may feel guilty for something and not even know why, but it's as if our conscience is betraying us. The type of shame many of us battle is the shame that has been imposed upon us by others; perhaps by those who had power over us and who may have abused that power. A shame that comes from a terrible sense of inadequacy, or a cultural shame that comes from falling below the perceived line of success, as in, you earn $40,000 per year but your peers all earn $50,000.
I was saying yesterday how I'd felt hit by shame again when I realized I was facing the next few weeks with nothing significant lined up on my schedule. This time, though, when shame came calling, I called its bluff. I actually spoke to it. I said, "I am not going to give in to shame. I am not going to give in to these feelings. I refuse to succumb to shame." I decided that rather than give in to its seductive feelings, I would fight them. It was pretty cool! I've never really done that before. I'm becoming a fighter in my old age. And it's about time.
I guess that's what separates "the men from the boys" in terms of surviving life and living life victoriously instead of in defeat. It's confronting something that's facing you and not accepting the overwhelming feelings that accompany it. It's making decisions and choices to "talk to yourself" and tell yourself the truth. Sometimes we need to hear the truth, and sometimes the only one around to tell you the truth is.....YOU!
Actually, in the Bible, it says, "David encouraged himself in the Lord." An interesting statement that follows an account of an overwhelming crisis he was facing. I picture David drawing strength from God and - dare I imagine - he talked to himself? Encouraged himself? Spoke affirmative words to himself?
That's partly how I've been dealing with this whole health crisis - telling myself encouraging things.
That's partly how I've been dealing with this whole health crisis - telling myself encouraging things.
Telling myself the truth:
"I will not be defeated by this cancer."
"I will not give into self-pity."
"God loves me SO much, and He is with me every step of the way."
....and so on.
And yesterday:
"I will not give into shame. I have dignity and worth, and I refuse to walk around feeling ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed of. He loves me! He and I are going to figure out ways to see good come out of this....even this! And it's gonna be good!"
"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5
Okay, so this video might be a bit cheesy for some of you, but I love the lyrics! Take a listen, and read the words beneath. God bless you.
The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
Chorus:
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
Chorus:
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith
I love that song too and that blog was very informative as it reflects someone in my family, who has 'NO SHAME' in being selfish and whatnot. I know it sounds opposite of what u are talking about but someone in my family has no shame in making people feel bad, feel low, etc.... they are the ones that need God for sure.
ReplyDeleteThis song is so inspirational, ther eis always going to be another mountain, and it doesn't matter hwo fast we get there, it's HOW we get there. And by faith and trust in God... we'll get there.