- Ah, Brahms!

I hope all of you are having a great holiday. I spent my Christmas semi-glued to the couch, which was just perfect for me...I'm not a big Christmas person. Not a Scrooge, hopefully, but not a Mrs. Claus, either.

The week of Prednisone I was on for the small vessel vasculitis revved me up higher than a kite, but now that I've stopped taking it, I'm down in the basement energy-wise, plus there's some chemo in the mix that's doing a number on me, giving me fatigue, so all in all, I'm doing lots of resting.

Oh, by the way, the Kitty Santa isn't Timmy, in case you're wondering...it's just a random cat photo that someone sent me the other day.

Well, if you'll recall, a couple of weeks back I briefly mentioned Brahms (that's his first name - cool, eh?), who is a Social Worker at the Jewish General. I told you I had some funny tales about him and that I'd tell you about it all in the near future. So today's the day - here we go!

The Jewish General has to be one of the most well-organized hospitals I've ever seen. My parents were in their early 40s when I was born, so they were older than most of my friends' parents and I guess as a result, I did a lot of hospital time with both of them before they died. My dad was pretty much healthy until his 80s, but my mother was sick on and off beginning in her early 20s, so I've seen a LOT of hospital waiting rooms, emergency rooms, cafeterias, bathrooms....etc. etc. And I have to say, the Jewish General is my favorite hospice so far!

But in all my years I have never - and I mean, NEVER - seen a hospital with the categories of Social Workers that the Jewish General has. What's up with that? I mean, they are hyper-organized! They are super-duper-organized!! They have Social Workers for different body parts!!!!!

I am NOT KIDDING! I just found this out last month! They have a Social Worker for Breast Cancer. They have a Social Worker for Prostate Cancer (would everyone please make sure you say "prostate" cancer, not "prostrate" cancer? They're two COMPLETELY different words!). Anyways, at the Segal Center (the area designated for cancer) I think there are six different Social Workers in all!

But Brahms - ah, Brahms just takes the cake. Why, you ask? Well, what makes Brahms so special in my books is that he is a COLO-RECTAL Social Worker. Yes, indeed! A Colo-Rectal Social Worker.

Now maybe in your normal little brain (I am not suggesting your brain is unusually little - it's just an expression), this does not cause any type of hysterical reaction. In MY little brain, however, I can ABSOLUTELY tell you that this title inspires humor, mirth and comedy within me that knows no bounds!!! I mean, I am just about CONVULSING at this title!

Oh, listen, folks - who am I to malign a man's profession, noble (or ignoble?) as it is? And I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone who has this yukky type of cancer - I mean no harm. But I am sorry - if you think I'm gonna take this one seriously without making a single joke over it....? You're just WRONG!!! This is FUN TIME!!!!

What's even MORE fun is, Brahms is just as wacky as I am! I've found a kindred spirit!

We met like this: it all started off innocently enough. I dropped by the Social Workers' office late one afternoon to see if there was someone around I could chat with. Brahms was there and told me that Naomi, the Social Worker who I'd talked with once before, had left for the day. I asked if I could maybe chat with him.

And that's when he broke it to me. Very straight, he was. He looked at me, and said something to the effect of, "Well, I don't do breasts."

Excuse me, sir? "Yes," said he, "I'm the Colo-Rectal Social Worker." "Oh," I said, as if I understood. Our conversation had been going so well. And now this. He doesn't do breasts? No. I haven't got the right kind of cancer to talk with him. Wrong category. Not my day. Sorry, sistah.

Heh heh heh. I tried to keep a straight face; I really did. My mouth started quivering, which is how it usually starts when I'm about to go into high mania mode. But at least I gave him some advanced warning. I broke it to him that I'm a bit of a comedian. And then....it pretty much went downhill from there.

"So," I asked innocently, "Just how did you become a Colo-Rectal Social Worker?" And Brahms looked me straight in the eye again, and said, "I kinda came in through the back door." Badoom! Yessss!!!! A fellow comedian!!!! Ooh, the splendour of it all!!!

"Do you enjoy your job?" I deadpanned as I started to lose it. "Well," he replied, "I'd like to move up!"

"Ah," I said wisely, "You'd like to be an Abdominal Social Worker!" "Exactly!" he replied. "I have such a sh*tty job!!"

Oh, STOP IT!!!! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!

"So," I ventured, "when you're at a party and you've had a bit too much to drink, do you start mixing up your words and end up telling people you're a Colo-Social Rectal Worker?" Now Brahms was laughing harder than I was. We'd started and it was impossible to stop!!! "Does the end justify the means???" "No, the end IS the means!!!" And so on. It was a memorable meeting.

Two days later, we happened to meet at the hospital's Second Cup coffeeshop. We were adding milk to our teas, swapping Colo-Rectal Comedy and wheezing like idiots. A visitor overheard our extremely bizarre conversation and walked away quickly, eyebrows raised....and you could hardly blame the poor dear.

We were doubled over, not from our double lattes but from the sheer silliness of it all....a Colo-Rectal Social Worker. How anally retentive is THAT, Jewish General????

Does Human Resources have his full title on their files? Is he a CRSW for short? What if someone in our provincial government offices wants to know what the acronym stands for? Does Human Resources, like, tell them?

Oh, anyways....maybe you find this whole dissertation foolish, but I....well, I find it just hopelessly fun. And whenever I meet Brahms, which I hope is fairly often, I will continue to sharpen my wit at his expense (and with his full co-operation, I might add).

And besides, last time I bumped into Brahms in the Chemo Department, he came up with the idea that we should do some Colo-Rectal schtick somewhere at a talent night or whatever. I think it's a marvelous idea. I think if we did, it would all work out...in the end.

THE END.

Good night!